Here We Go!

I was the one that was going to find them. Who? The missing children. You know the ones back in the day that you used to see on the milk cartons. For those of you too young to remember, there used to be photos of missing children posted on milk cartons (similar to the posters we often see at Walmart entrances today.) I read every single one that was ever before me. And I mean EVERY one...over and over. There also used to be a show on television about missing children. This was before the day of "America's Most Wanted." It was geared solely for abducted children. It would come on for an hour each week. They would profile certain cases and give clues as to where they were last seen. I was glued for the entire hour, taking in every detail. I just knew if I looked hard enough, long enough, I could find them. I still recall the Adam Walsh abduction and murder case. His always stood out to me as a kid. It's why I never wanted to stray too far from my parents whenever we went into a department store. It tore at my heart strings from the time I was very young that a child would ever be taken from his or her parents. All children deserve parents. All children deserve to be loved, nurtured, and the privilege of a sweet and innocent childhood.

I remember as a teenager, wondering if one day I would ever be able to have children. Having had more than my share of female issues, I knew it could very likely not happen. I decided at an early age if that was not the case, I would definitely adopt. I had seen firsthand how adoption was truly no different than a child by birth in having a brother who was adopted. There was a time I thought maybe I didn't want children after all, but it didn't last long. (Childbirth videos are quite scary!) By the time I was a newlywed, I knew that I did. So, once we were married, we were ready to start a family. Although we dealt with complications of getting pregnant and losses, we were finally blessed with three children. I had many complications carrying babies, and there were no doubts once our third came along, that I would not be able to be pregnant again. The obstetrician actually told Sean that if I ever came back to his office pregnant again, he would not be my doctor. That pretty much settled it for us. I remember being so certain about that decision, but not certain that our family was complete. I wanted a big family, and while most of modern day America considered a family of 5 a "large family", I was not content with that. Something continuously stirred inside me that there would be more.

I've always enjoyed encouraging young pregnant moms and helping out during those early newborn days. I love helping out frazzled moms with toddlers and loving on other children as "Aunt B." I recall how my early days of motherhood were. We didn't have the privilege of family next door, down the street, or even nearby. I always thought what a blessing it would be to have had lots of help back in those days, and I want and enjoy giving that to others. In the back of my mind, that nurturing desire was more than just wanting to help. I continuously believed adoption was always a possibility for us. In 2003, we were introduced to a family in our community with six children. Many red flags arose as we watched some of the family dynamics before us. Long story short, the children were removed from the home due to horrific years of sexual abuse by both parents and an uncle. Sean and I began visiting the kids in the local orphanage where they were housed. We just happened to be living in an area where there were TWO orphanages. How ironic. Along with our church family, we would make visits, take gifts, and spend time with these children. The older four kids from the family had difficulty already with the scars the abuse had left behind. They needed much more intense counseling and did not connect with us as well. However, the two younger ones did. By passing through various red tape of a very messed up system, we were finally able to bring them to our home on the weekends so that they could experience somewhat of a normal life. We also enjoyed being able to bring them to church where they could learn and worship God, as well as enjoy the people and SOME type of life that was familiar to them. This was the first time we ever seriously discussed adoption. Again, my heart was taken back to the days where I just knew I could rescue children in despair. These kids were in great despair. However, going back to the messed up system of our government, they insisted all six children be adopted together. We knew we could not do that....to us, or our children. We weren't at a place where we were going to be willing to expose our kids to the struggles and possibly danger of bringing older teenage children into our home who had been sexually abused for nearly all their lives. As heartbreaking as it was, we had to let that dream die. We continually loved on the girls, and made visits, praying they would receive a forever family, and they have. (The system actually let the kids be split up, and those two younger children are now in a safe, nurturing home without their biological siblings!)

About that time, Sean and I went to a weekend marriage conference. One of the challenges before the conference ended was to separately write down what our goals as a couple were for the next year and then for the next five years. Then, we were to come together, and share our individual hopes and dreams, and discuss them together. I almost hesitated to write down "adopting" because I knew that Sean just wasn't there. The experience we had just gone through brought a lot of fears with it. The thought of attaching yourself to a child and then losing them was very difficult to fathom, and in today's American society, that happens much too frequently and easily--sadly. But we were told to write down OUR hopes, and that was my hope. So, I wrote it down. As we sat back down, face to face, to share what we each had written, I went first. I told him, "Well, I know this isn't YOUR desire, but I had to write down "adoption." Fully expecting him to smile and go on, he then turned his paper around and showed it to me. He had also written that in the next five years, he hoped to pursue international adoption. I had nothing but tears. God had been leading Sean to do this! After the conference, we both gathered lots of information about international adoption. Once we began to realize the great deal of time, work, and costs involved, the dream deflated quickly. It seemed nearly impossible. My heart hoped Sean would not be so discouraged as to dismiss this clear call, but he did. And so did I.

It became something we just didn't talk about. I never nagged. Never complained. I occasionally would "ooh" and "aaah" over new babies, or other friends who were adopting, and make comments of how sweet or amazing it was, only to have Sean reply that we were too old, or not reply at all. It felt very frustrating to know that we had both felt this nudging, but now I was alone in it. At the same time, I knew that God had done this, and if HE was calling us, then Sean would not be able to resist it. So, I shut up and prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. Every year from the weekend of that marriage conference in November of 2004, I wondered, "Will this next year be the year that I see that answered?" The years came and went. Nothing. If anything, Sean was even more resistant. I was even coming to the point of acceptance. Maybe this just wasn't going to happen at all. It came to November of 2009-the five year mark from the conference where we both had experienced God calling us to adopt. I waited and waited....nothing. As 2010 began, I resolved that the time had passed and it just wasn't going to happen. I didn't really know why or even try to figure it out. It was a difficult year already with my mother having had serious medical problems, so my mind was mostly occupied with that.

As the fog lifted through 2010, God began doing a fresh work in Sean and me. We had never felt so renewed and strengthened, and encouraged. By the Holy Spirit's work through various Bible studies, books like Crazy Love, Forgotten God, and Radical, Sean and I have been taken back to a genuine belief and serious approach to the gospel. Not the American gospel. The Biblical gospel. God has refined a lot of stuff that the church and we ourselves had poured onto the gospel, and we have been experiencing an authentic relationship with Him like never before. Our lives are not the same! Our eyes have been taken off ourselves and onto Jesus. We've prayed for His eyes, His heart, His hands, and His feet, and it has been amazing to see His healing in giving us sight, love, relationships, and service like we've never experienced. As our small group has been going through Radical, I've been in a women's morning study on Crazy Love. It has been incredible to see how the truths from one would resonate in the other, at the exact same time. I continually found myself with this overwhelming sense of accepting God’s love for me, and wanting to share it with others. In that, I wanted others to come to know this, too. There came a recognition of the many needs around me, but not knowing what to do about it. Where to start? What to do? Then, God reminded me, it wasn't about me doing anything, but simply responding to His Spirit, and allowing Him to show me, and to work through me. I needed only to be willing to surrender myself to Him. Here began a sweet reckless abandonment to my Savior as never before, and a response that I could have never mustered up the strength to have if I wanted to! Through this came the renewed passion to adopt, but I wasn’t sure about Sean. I rekindled the prayers of old that if God wanted us to adopt, He would lead Sean. I realized God wasn’t on a timetable, and certainly not mine. I even casually mentioned this to a friend in a conversation not about this topic. The very next day, Sean “out of the blue” asks me, “Do you think I’m a bad person for not wanting to adopt?” Are you kidding me?! I knew then that God was affirming this decision for us. I told Sean of course I didn’t think he was a bad person, and I hoped I hadn’t ever portrayed that to him. He said it wasn’t that, but he’d been thinking about it, and that he just felt too old. I told him I bet Abraham and Sarah felt that way, too. I told him I still had the desire, but if it wasn’t his desire, then I knew it wasn’t something we should do. I told him I had prayed and would continue to pray that if God was calling us to adopt, then HE would burden Sean’s heart, and Sean would take the lead on it. Otherwise, if we both weren’t in agreement, then I’m content with it just not being God’s will. I mean who wants to adopt a baby if your husband isn’t on board? That’s silly. The next day, as we were out running errands, we pulled into Walmart. Sean stops the car and just sits there. I said, “What?” He then says, “So what would you think about adopting an older child…..a boy?” I knew right then God was working all along, and this was my answered prayer. He told me he had been convicted about his selfishness and how worldly his view of so much has become. It's so easy to get caught up in the "American dream" (you work, you play, you retire, and enjoy luxury) and dismiss the rest of the world's needs. We've forgotten that we only have one chance on life to make an impact in people's lives-for eternity. We are not born to just enjoy everything (although enjoying life to the full is biblical). The problem is our American "full" is not the biblical full. God has used a lot of circumstances and people around us this past year to show us ourselves and we have not been happy with that view. It's been quite ugly to be honest. So, as this has been happening, all the things we thought that we wanted have become nothing in light of how can we be used to pour out and share Jesus with people.Sometimes the thought that you can't make a dent or even a difference causes us to do nothing at all. It's tragic really, because if we each responded as the Spirit led, it would change the world! There's so much that God has been doing in us the past few months, that I would have to write a book to really get it all down. This is just the basic of how God has brought this about.

We have some friends who are adopting locally and many other friends who have adopted internationally. We have talked and gathered a lot of information. More importantly, prayed about what was the direction we were to take. God led us to the international direction. (Another huge hurdle because the costs are outrageous!) Again, we're going to trust Him. He will always lead us where we need to go and provide for the journey! We started to look at countries that were the poorest and lesser evangelized. Our heart is to give hope to a child that might not have a chance to hear the gospel and has lived in extreme poverty. Ethiopia continually came up. We then discovered some friends through facebook that adopted two little girls from Ethiopia last Christmas. Many of the “Special Needs” children there are only put in that category because they are not newborns and often because they are boys. That is the exact thing Sean has said he felt led to pursue. Also, because they are considered "special needs" the adoptions tend to go quicker.

So, we begin this journey. I am elated, scared, excited, overwhelmed, ....... you get the idea. To know it is reality brings this overwhelming mama nature that I just wanna go get my boy now! To know he's out there somewhere….2011 is a huge year for us to watch a huge God in action. In addition to this, we have two kids graduating high school, one going into the USAF, I'm traveling to Central Asia with a team from our church in March (I HATE to fly and I've never been out of the country besides our Mexico anniversary vacation last Dec.!), AND....I'm going back to school (slowly starting in the fall....more details later!). Add into that, two trips to Ethiopia and all the paperwork involving international adoption..... you better believe we are TOTALLY dependent upon our great GOD!

We definitely covet your prayers because we know that a lot of warfare comes with this. More than that, we want you, our family and friends, to see God at work just as much as we are as you journey through this year with us. I can't wait!!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Eph 3:20-21